 O'Mahmud's logs
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Zagat's Placards in "Restaurant Windows" - friday, october 02, 2009 - 16:26
Basically, I "need to never read" these, because I've "grown accustomed" to "rampant use of quotation marks" indicating "withering sarcasm."
The delicate art of being a submissions editor. - wednesday, may 06, 2009 - 19:01
(via SMS)
OM: Are you getting pregnancies? I'm getting lots of pregnancies.
KT: No. Domestic abuse, mostly. Too bad. Think your pregnancies are more uplifting.
OM: They're not all happy pregnancies.
KT: Still, you're definitely more springtime. Fertility.
OM: Everyone's knocked up.
KT: Or in my case, knocked down.
OM: Oh shit. This one starts with a pregnant woman getting punched.
KT: Yahtzee!!
A briefer summary of New York. - monday, april 20, 2009 - 13:13
Oh my god, that guy who just elbowed you in the tit? That was Christian Siriano!
Pa Joad with a red pen. - thursday, april 02, 2009 - 09:29
I HAVE FREELANCE COPYEDITING WORK MUTHAFUCKAS!
Yeah, that's right, this dog totally just got laid... - wednesday, december 17, 2008 - 11:30
...off.
Rad.
My favorite handles from RonPaulForums.com (work in progress) - friday, november 14, 2008 - 09:10
Remember, kids, everyone has a right to their beliefs. And they have like fifty billion times the right to their beliefs if they're named "Storm Commander".
Truth Warrior
StormCommander
Chieftain1776
JeepNDesert
Moostraks
Patriot One
AbolishTheGovt
EmergentOrder
ArrestPoliticians
Lovecraftian4Paul (dude--and I'm pretty sure you're a dude--THAT'S fucking scary)
Fr33domfightr
GreenCardSeeker (whaa?)
DeadheadForPaul (yick)
AngelAtc
PowerOfReason
Eureka! No YOU reeka! - thursday, november 13, 2008 - 07:58
Takeaway lessons from three separate studies, all conducted by Harvard (at Brigham and Women's hospital) and presented at the 2008 American Heart Association Scientific Sessions.
1) Inflammation is a root cause of cardiovascular disease.
2) Vitamin C reduces inflammation.
3) Vitamin C does not alleviate cardiovascular disease.
In the future, all of humankind's illnesses will be cured, even though they are incurable, except when they're not, which is never. QED.
There's a moral here. - sunday, august 24, 2008 - 14:54
As my roommate woke me up this morning to inform me that she overdosed on heroin last night and the medics had to shoot her up with Narcan.
Stupid Narcan.
The decline and fall of Williamsburg as a cultural mecca. - wednesday, july 23, 2008 - 15:36
"That sucks I missed Liars, I was stuck at Ikea."
East Coast thunder storm. - saturday, june 14, 2008 - 14:27
Why can't I stop running around in this shit like a spazz?
Also, I got my Gawker commenter star today. I hope my obituary reads, "...having just received his Gawker star, was struck by lightning..."
Sociohistorical statistics for drunk people. - saturday, may 10, 2008 - 19:28
I have made out with someone who made out with someone who made out with someone who made out with someone who made out with someone who made out with someone who made out with Kurt Cobain.
We have developed a standardized finger gesture in response. - wednesday, april 30, 2008 - 11:38
This still happens? Don't these people ever see the various movies that are made about people like themselves and feel just the slightest twinge of embarrassment?
Dear [redacted] Employees,
As part of our ongoing efforts to develop consistent [redacted] communications materials, we have developed a standardized email signature to be used by all [redacted] employees. It is our hope that these signatures will help create a synergy among [redacted]’s distinctive divisions Our IT Department will send out detailed instructions to you to help make the conversion. Please follow the email signature format detailed below. Also, please note that all outgoing email messages should be sent on a plain white background and use 10 point Arial font:
Name of Employee
Title
[redacted]
Address
City, State, Zip Code
Tel: XXX-XXX-XXXX
Fax: XXX-XXX-XXXX
Web: www.[redacted].org
Sincerely,
[redacted]
Chief Operating Officer
[redacted]
Let's ignore the fact that IT apparently needs to teach me how to set my Outlook signature. Let's ignore the fact that this ingenious new e-mail signature had to be fucking "developed" by someone(s). Let's focus on the promoting synergy bit. 'Cause man, I fucking hate those stupid data technicians in the lab... oh wait, our signatures are the same... They're one of us! Hugsnesses!
Fuck the what?
P.S. The incorrigibly distinctive Editorial Services division says you typo'd. It totally harshes our synergy when you do that.
Facebook? Seriously? - monday, april 21, 2008 - 15:44
That's what fucking slays me?
Teddy Kaczynski had a point.
Bye, Doc. - thursday, april 17, 2008 - 22:52
Shit.
Dear ex-girlfriends. - tuesday, april 15, 2008 - 21:12
Not helping.
Waugh the faugh? - wednesday, april 02, 2008 - 08:56
Two pubescent boys in identical sweaters and scarves coming out of a Madison Ave. hotel and walking down the street punching the shit out of each other--why does my life not include more of this?
If only I were panicked about snoring. - friday, march 21, 2008 - 17:05
Apparently, at some point in this wee episode I took to confusing the Lorazepam and Allegra bottles. At least my ahh!s have no choo.
Really really honestly totally for real quitting smoking. - tuesday, february 19, 2008 - 15:54
Actually it's pretty easy. Withdrawals aren't hitting me nearly as hard as I expected them to. Incidentally, I never realized before the degree to which all of you fill me with loathing and rage.
God continues to listen to me, blesses Brian Lehrer. - tuesday, february 05, 2008 - 19:08
(WNYC's Super Tuesday coverage)
"My name's Thomas, I'm from Chicago, Illinois, and I voted for Obama 'cause he's black."
"Because he's black and why else?"
"Because he's black."
"Wow, sounds like a double threat."
and
"Well, Brian, I'm at a watch party in midtown, there's a number of writers for the Times and the Wall Street Journal that I recognize. They're all watching Wolf Blitzer on mute."
"Well, that is the best way to watch him."
God bless Brian Lehrer. - tuesday, february 05, 2008 - 17:01
(WNYC's Super Tuesday coverage)
"We had a story, Brian, about a woman who brought her daughter with her to the polls, brought her into the booth so that her daughter could see her pull the lever for a woman president."
"How old was the daughter, do you think?"
"Two, three."
"So do you think she had any clue there was a woman president, or did she just go, 'Oooh, it's bluuuuuuue...?'"
and
"Well, Brian, there does seem to be a definite ethnic breakdown. Blacks are going far more predominantly for Hillary, blacks for Obama. What's surprising is that Hillary isn't getting the expected support from whites or women."
"That's four pretty significant ethnic groups there."
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