 Drogue's logs
my nephews on zombies and math - wednesday, august 19, 2009 - 00:01
Andrew and Yoshi are 8 and 6, respectively. They are smart, hyper, and totally insane.
Me: So, what do you like best about school?
Yoshi: Math! It's fun! (pretends he's a human blanket on Andrew)
Andrew: School is boring, you do the same thing everyday.
Me: Just wait until you get my age. You'll see how school prepares you for that.
Andrew: What?
Me: Nevermind.
Yoshi: I WANT TO LEARN DIVISION!
Me: Some say that when we encounter extraterrestial aliens, we'll use math to communicate.
Andrew: (stares at me blankly) I have no idea what you just said.
Me: Math is the language of the universe!
Yoshi: YAY! MATH!
Me: I mean, math might not help when we have the zombie apocalypse, but it sure will help with the aliens.
Andrew: Wait...zombies?
Yoshi: (stops jumping up and down on the couch)
Me: Yup. School doesn't really prepare you for that.
Andrew: Um...what do you do about zombies?
Me: Oh, it's very complicated.
Yoshi: TELL US!
Me: Well, first you need to get out of the urban center and into a remote farmhouse, which you barricade with two-by-fours. And you need a lot of canned food. And shotguns.
Andrew: ...cool.
Me: Then you wait it out, hoping the zombies don't surround your hiding place. But if they do find you, always shoot for the head.
Yoshi: FOR THE HEAD!
Me: But if they break through and bite you, you're done for. Soon you'll want to eat human brains.
Yoshi and Andrew: (fully wound up, now running in circles) Brains! Brains! Brains!!!
Mike, my brother in law: Thanks, jerk.
The strangest altercation - saturday, november 01, 2008 - 00:37
So, exactly how does one fight a dude dressed up like Bootsy Collins? What a weird night.
explaining leetspeak - monday, january 29, 2007 - 09:52
In my office break room this morning: Someone had posted a lame and possibly inappropriate poem about the payroll person. A questioning soul wrote "WTF" under it. It has since been removed. I had the following conversation with a coworker.
Circ guy: Yeah, it could have been construed as being sexist.
Me: What's wrong with being sexy?
Circ guy: (laughs nervously)
Me: Relax, it's a Spinal Tap reference.
Circ guy: Oh.
Me: I was tempted to write "LOL PWNED" beneath the "WTF."
Circ guy: What does that mean?
Me: Laugh out loud, owned.
Circ guy: Oh. So that's what "LOL" means. People would write that in e-mails to me, and I've never figured out what they meant.
Me: ...
Circ guy: So what does "WTF" mean?
Me: What the fuck.
Circ guy: (laughs) That's funny.
Me: Yeah. It sure is.
kitty cat alarm clock - wednesday, january 24, 2007 - 16:03
If Yoko made a solo album, ("Are You Awake Yet?") it would contain these hits:
The Sandpaper Tongue Forehead Lick
I Am Biting Your Hand
Is That Your Crotch? Sorry
I Thought Your Head Was a Pillow, My Bad
Growling At Nothing, Nothing At All
Puking On Your PJs
Let Me Breathe Into Your Ear
Great Moments in Publishing - friday, december 15, 2006 - 10:21
Yesterday morning. Ad close was supposed to be two weeks ago.
Sales person: When's ad close?
Me: You tell me.
Sales person: What?
Me: Ad close was supposed to be weeks ago. We're waiting for you guys to actually give us some ads.
Sales Person: Oh.
Publisher (walking by): Today or tomorrow.
Sales Person: Oh really?
Me: Excuse me while I drink myself to death.
How to talk to the publisher. - tuesday, november 14, 2006 - 16:34
Me: You know how we've been delaying ad close each month?
Publisher: Uh-huh.
Me: Well, normally that makes it pretty hard on the production team, but we manage to get it done. But with the Thanksgiving holiday coming up and the big delay from last month, we can't afford to extend the ad close this time.
Publisher: *gives me a blank look*
Me: You see, the holiday throws our schedule off, and the magazine would be mailing the week of Christmas. The readers wouldn't get the December issue until, well, January.
Publisher: Okay.
Me: Okay as in, "We're not going to extend the ad close again?"
Publisher: Uh-huh. *looks distracted, walks off*
One week later.
Publisher: We're extending the ad close for December.
Me: Remember when we talked about this?
Publisher: No.
Me: Nevermind.
Riley - sunday, june 25, 2006 - 01:13
Riley passed away at just before midnight on Saturday in Berkeley. We finally had to face reality after a pretty terrible day for the little girl. So we took her to an emergency pet hospital in the evening. We had a few minutes to spend with her before the procedure, and we petted her and tried to make peace with it. She purred and tried to summon as much energy as she could, but we could tell that she was pretty out of it. We held her as she died. I didn't think I'd cry so much. I hope she's at peace now.
Monkey virus bedamned - tuesday, september 07, 2004 - 23:02
So, this is day four, almost day five, of the monkey virus that has attached itself to my immune system like a pair of Speedos on a German businessman. I'm on so many medicines that I think I'm starting to hallucinate, but not in the hey-my-friend-has-some-shrooms-let's-eat-them-and-go-look-at-the-stars kind of way. I keep envisioning two viral gnomes working double shifts on the lever of the snot factory. They're tired, but they really want those overtime checks. Then it will be PAR-TAY. And I have the feeling that I'm accounts payable.
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