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and another another one bites the dust - monday, november 26, 2012 - 22:54
i have a friend who still does bookkeeping for beret, so i get to hear a thing now and again about what happens in the office. turns out that the replacement for my replacement was let go today.
1-- i find it totally hilarious that he had her come into work on a monday just to let her go, and waited until *just* after thanksgiving to pull the plug. ever a classy fellow.
2-- in the email my friend forwarded me the poor replacement said she had never been treated so badly by an employer.
3-- this means that in six months time he has gone through two people in an economy where people are still struggling
4-- he still sucks!
but it is comforting to know that it wasn't just me. he seems to universally be a dick.
another one bites the dust - saturday, august 11, 2012 - 15:42
my replacement at beret's office already quit. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. yep.
beret from beyond the grave - friday, june 08, 2012 - 10:22
so i ordered one of those groupon deals in mid-april that was one of those-- have healthy meals shipped to you for a week-- things because i figured i would get it around finals and save myself some hassle. little did i realize that they send it to you when they want, and you don't really pick when it comes. a week or two ago i remembered about this order and that i had asked for it to be shipped to my old office. i emailed them immediately and asked to have it shipped to my new office. they responded with a tracking number, and i'm thinking it's all good.
then yesterday i see that there is some problem with delivery, and i being to worry that they did not pay attention to my email at all and they did sent it to the old office.
last night i get an email from my replacement asking for help with headers, footers, pagination, etc., in our proposal template in Word. i'm thinking-- seriously? you can't figure this out? i don't respond immediately.
this morning i check fedex again and see that the shipment was refused, so i know it must have been sent to the old office. i respond to her email telling her just to copy and paste it into a new document if she can't figure it out, and ask about a package. she responds:
"Wish I'd known about the package because just yesterday a big box came from you and we ended up refusing it. Sorry if that's the worst thing we could have done, but honestly I didn't know what else to do."
i'm thinking-- it didn't occur to you to call me or email me...?? really? but you can ask me some stupid fucking Word question?!
i respond: "Hi NAME-- yeah, it was food, so the order is pretty much ruined now. It's unfortunate neither of you were willing to email me to let me know."
she responded: "Sorry! Never crossed my mind. And I didn't actually have your email until BERET gave it to me at 5pm, when I couldn't get the template to go."
ok. so you fuckers refuse a package, can't be bothered to email me or call me, and then later that same fucking day you decide to email me a fucking question a chimp could probably get the answer to?
beret no more - thursday, may 31, 2012 - 15:49
how to sum up over five years of my experience with beret...? pure fucking bollocks to the end.
first, let me tell you a little about the woman who i had to train to replace me. nice woman, yes. didn't seem to understand how to use microsoft outlook though, or really understand microsoft word that well, and seemed generally overwhelmed by most everything. he had told me she was extremely well-qualified, and then proceeded to not understand why the training was not going well. clearly my fault, yes? she told me on day 2 that she could not understand how i had worked there for five years, that she couldn't believe he was not going to take me out to lunch or anything, and that she couldn't understand how he seemed to act like he cared, but it was obvious he didn't. on day four of her training she said she was depressed already. yep. it took all of four days for her to get there.
on my second to last day, we all meet, and he tells me that i should probably have the locks changed. i am confused. i say-- you mean the office locks? he says yes. i am doubly confused. i think-- so you think you need to change the locks because i am leaving, and you are enough of a fucktard to suggest that i be the one who do it...? i reply-- don't worry, i'm not coming back. he says nothing. i do nothing because i think he is fucking nuts if he thinks i'm going to do that shit. also, that is offensive as shit and if i had wanted to steal any of his crap or his personal information that i have had access to for over five years, i would have fucking done it already.
on my last day, the building people come around noon to change the locks. the guy comes in jokingly to me and says-- what's the problem? can't keep your employees? i smile and say-- oh no, he's doing this because I'M quitting. he stops smiling. about 30 minutes later, the new bookkeeper comes in and tells me that, as i expected, beret has told her to prorate my health care for the rest of the month and take it out of my paycheck. now, let me say, i understand that this is not uncommon, but let me also say that he didn't change the locks or prorate anyone else's health care when they left, so he was just being an asshole. i'll also add that just about a month earlier he had agreed to give me a small bonus (this was as a result of an accounting error), and then a week later he had the bookkeeper take it back without telling me. so he took away a $300 bonus, and then decides to screw me out of $165 more for good measure.
i was pretty livid, but as i said, i had completely expected him to do it. on top of this, after over FIVE years of working for the man, he doesn't even have the common courtesy to offer to take me to lunch (i wouldn't have wanted to go, but it seems pretty standard to make some kind of a gesture), buy a card, flowers, nothing. i got absolutely nothing as my going away.
so, when he asks me a question about a deposit and then walks away while i am answering the question (completely typical behavior of his), i decide to keep answering the question regardless. he responds with a "thank you" as in "thank you, you can shut up now" and i keep going til i finish my answer and then say "you're welcome." i could not see him, because as i said he had walked away, but i could hear a big gasp as if "how dare she?!" it was super satisfying and the bookkeeper said i really wished i had seen his face because he looked so offended.
and of course he would not give me my paycheck before the end of the day, lest i leave early and deprive him of valuable minutes of my time, so at exactly 4PM i walked into his office and said -- it's 4pm, can i have my check? he replied-- of course. i said -- great (because i was going to avoid saying thank you at any costs). and i turned around and walked out of his office. as i walked away he said-- goodbye stacey. i said "bye" without looking back or stopping.
and that was that.
the end of my time with beret - monday, may 07, 2012 - 13:37
in precisely 10 days, i will walk away from my job with beret, and god willing, never see his hairy knuckles trying to give me a fist bump again.
i am hoping he has the good sense not to try to hug me or take me out to a goodbye lunch, but we'll see.
i really can't believe my time here is almost over!!!
catching up with newbie - thursday, february 23, 2012 - 14:04
so newbie got laid off about a year ago, and has since moved on to a job she really likes and a place with more than one coworker, and yada yada yada.
anyways, i saw her this past weekend and i finally told her that everyone i know knows her as newbie. even long after she was not new anymore. she laughed and told me that was cool because everyone she knows knows me as pam (as in pam from the office) because that is how all her friends envisioned our workplace.
i am glad to hear this. it puts a nice sense of equity to the chaos.
it is officially the winter of my discontent - friday, february 10, 2012 - 10:32
beret is talking to someone about how a good new yorker cartoon would be about saxophone conference call hold music and he wore his beret in to work today with his blue tooth headset. it is officially winter and officially lame in my office.
yep. - friday, may 20, 2011 - 11:06
this is the conversation i just had with beret:
beret: so, can you access my computer over the intranet?
beret: is it possible for you to move files around into folders on my computer over the intranet?
beret: so i have a lot of files for CLIENT that i have been saving and the folder is overloaded with documents so i wanted to see if you could go in and organize them. could you do that?
me: well... i COULD do that, but i don't know how you have been saving them or what the files are, so i would have to look at each individual file to find out where it goes....
beret: oh no, i've been being really careful to save the documents with the right heading for the project.
me: so then why haven't you been saving them into folders....?
beret: shut up.
and then he left my office. i am not even joking about any of that. also, he brought me flowers today and has brought me more flowers than any other person ever. this place is so fucking bizarre.
scientific experimentations - wednesday, march 23, 2011 - 11:31
1--i don't know if it's true that you can get someone to pee by waiting until they are asleep and putting their hand in some water. i do know that you will not pee if your hand is in the water as you are trying to fall asleep; but it is also much harder to fall asleep.
2-- i have heard people talk about getting colonics and how you lose like five pounds or some such. i have no idea how that is possible unless that person hasn't shit in a year. seriously, there's just no way.
personally quite devastating - monday, march 14, 2011 - 14:57
newbie got laid off today. quite unceremoniously too i might add. in an office of three people, you would think maybe beret wouldn't interrupt newbie during her lunch to hand her a check and tell her to be on her way, but you'd be wrong about that. he did that while i was out at lunch. when i returned he called me in immediately to tell me she had been laid off. and because i am such a selfless person (and hate my job so fucking much), i flat out told him that i had hoped if it had come down to this that she would be the one to stay. i realized maybe that wasn't the most appropriate reaction, so i added that it was because she had more to gain from being here professionally than i did. i know, i'm totally tactful and amazing. beret seemed noticeably confused. then he told me he was sure that i needed some time to process this, but that i also needed to cancel her email address and get her keys.
so basically, he waited to get back from his three week new zealand vacation to tell us that he was too poor to keep us both employed anymore.
but he did assure me that he was dedicated to trying to keep me on full-time. i didn't even attempt to pretend to be pleased with this news.
my guiding light - wednesday, january 19, 2011 - 13:12
i have found a new source of inspiration. a new motto. a new wisdom.
it is contained herewith:
i think it is pretty much appropriate in every situation:
1-- oh you think i'm going to hold the elevator for you after you slammed the building door in my face? motherfuckin' popsicles bitch!
2-- i just found $50 on the ground! motherfuckin' popsicles bitch!
3-- oh you want to make coffee and then leave the pot sitting there for five days expecting other people to clean it? motherfuckin' popsicles bitch!
4-- i'm going on vacation to iceland! motherfuckin' popsicles bitch!
5-- what the fuck are paletas? motherfuckin' popsicles bitch!
total jackassery - tuesday, january 04, 2011 - 14:25
i am obvs talking about my boss. he is on the phone with a client. he asked how her holidays were. then he said-- well those of us who had to work that week aren't sympathetic!
now, it is funny what a fuckhead he is on multiple levels. 1-- he did not work that whole week by any means. 2-- she was on forced furlough.
he is indeed an impressive specimen.
i think perhaps it is time for us to break up - tuesday, november 09, 2010 - 11:44
i have seen many a failing tv show through to its bitter end. i don't even want to think about how horrible prison break was in its last season. and 24, for god's sakes, i don't know how many times someone inside CTU has to be a mole (i'm hoping 24 is actually over, right?).
there have also been some that were too painful to watch and had to be let go. heroes, i think you turned into a circus, and i mean that literally and figuratively. america's next top model is probably on season 53, the little people season, and there is still a horrible bitch and someone with autism or whatever.
real housewives of new jersey, we have been on the rocks for a long time. bitches be so crazy it's not even fun to watch anymore.
but really, let's just get down to it. i must put some shows on notice that it is, in fact, time for us to break up. i'm not saying there weren't some good times. there were probably times i rushed eagerly home to see you, times you made me laugh, but if i am honest, i must tell you that i don't love you anymore, and i haven't for a while.
desperate housewives: i kind of remember when you were a little edgy and funny and mysterious. i remember when you were a little bit sexy. and now it's all i can do not to shoot myself in the face when i see you. you're boring and hair-rippingly predictable. nothing about you is edgy or hot anymore. and jesus christ, someone do us all a favor and put susan out of her goddamn misery.
medium: sometimes on a rainy sunday morning, i liked to curl up with you. i didn't have to think about it. i could be hungover and we could still hang out. things were alright. and i admit it, i have a soft spot for joe. but the last episode i watched let me know that even my hungover brain cannot handle your stupidity anymore. alison gets a skin graft on her arm from a murdered lady and then she can't control her hand anymore. seriously? someone ran out of ideas and watched idle hands didn't they?
the office: you are a shadow of your former self, and making stupid internet videos doesn't change anything between us. you suck.
how i met your mother: it's cool to have a "thing." everyone does. it's just that your thing has grown tiresome. i know you feel like you have to stick to it. the thing is, you could actually meet the woman and have stories about that too. that would probably be more interesting than just rehashing the same old glory days again and again. they are not glorious anymore, and all i've really learned is that you are a whore.
filed under things you never want to hear your boss say: - friday, august 27, 2010 - 14:44
"stacey's pickle smells really good.... i'm just sayin'"
the week in boring: it's thursday - thursday, august 12, 2010 - 16:25
that is all
the week in boring: it's wednesday - wednesday, august 11, 2010 - 14:33
turned on the tv this morning to listen to the news. was starting to wonder what was going on in the world when i heard the voice of john locke saying something. turned to see it was actually an episode of west wing.
was running a little late this morning. got to the corner and saw a bus coming, so i full sprinted to the end of the block. turned around, no bus. don't know what i saw. waited at the bus stop for 12 minutes.
had some tuna fish on my salad today. it seemed fishy. reminded me that last week when i had turkey for the first time in a while, it tasted turkeyey. am wondering if i have reached that seven year period when my taste buds start getting replaced, or if perhaps being mostly vegetarian has taken hold and changed what i'm used to. either way, i still hate olives.
got an email from my mom following up on a conversation we had last night. she said that it is possible to look up people who may have served hard time in arizona and get their whole record of community service, probation, and see their mug shot, birth date, etc. she sent me the link. i couldn't find anyone i knew.
the week in boring: it's tuesday - tuesday, august 10, 2010 - 15:10
i finally took down my calendar from last year. i guess it has been december 2009 for about eight months. it was a nice looking calendar. in a way, i am kind of surprised i didn't come back from vacation a couple of months ago and find that jennifer had replaced the old calendar. i think she probably flipped the page more often than i did. i put up a new calendar i got free in the mail. it is not as nice looking, but it does have pictures of wild animals. the calendar starts with september 2010. i guess that saves me one flip.
i have been packing my lunch more lately. sandwiches got boring, so i have moved to using lavash. it's pretty much the same as a sandwich, but in a different shape. it sucks when you make a sandwich and put awesome seasonings on it only to find that this has crapped out your bread. i decided to conquer this problem by peeling a carrot and putting the peelings in some balsamic vinegar, oil, salt and pepper. i make the rest of the lavash, then put in the carrots. it works pretty well at providing the flavor while protecting the breading.
i went to spin for the third time ever. i might be beginning to like it. at the very least, i can see why people get fixated on it. however, i still think kranking is some bullshit.
i ordered a bunch of vitamins in the mail. i'm not sure which one is causing it, but my pee looks like i'm drinking highlighters. yep.
to the city of oakland parking assistance center, - tuesday, july 27, 2010 - 16:09
dear oakland parking assistance center,
please get your shit together!! when you originally sent me a notice that i should fill out an application for a parking permit, i was more than happy to do it. a month or two goes by, and i start wondering, where is that permit anyway...? and why haven't the signs gone up...?
SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS LATER, when i get a call that they are finally going to issue the permits, but the application fee i sent in isn't enough anymore, i thought, yeah sure, i'll go down to your office since i'm so close and wrap this right up, walking out with permit in hand.
and then, after 45 minutes of sitting in your office, you tell me i can't have a permit because my address is not in the permit section?? WTFF? why did you call me and ask me to come down to your office then? it's not that goddamn complicated!
parents are good for a laugh - tuesday, july 20, 2010 - 10:43
this morning i got emails that made me laugh from both of my parents.
sent me a picture of the antler arches in jackson hole, wyoming on his motorcycle trip from AZ to yellowstone. was very surprised that i didn't know about the antler arches!!
mom (sent me the following email about my brother):
"Last week Steven and I were in the pool when Tommy, the pool guy comes to clean the pool. Steven starts asking him...
so how do you like being a pool guy? Tommy goes on and on about what a great job it is. and what kind of training did you get?
Tommy gives the low down... and do you mind me asking, how much do you make? Tommy was really up for converting Steven to the "pool industry." Hey, man you could ride with me one day and if James ...blah, blah, blah.
This week Tommy is gone. He left the pool industry.
Steven has a way of making his peers question their existence!"
maybe that is funnier if you know my brother... but anyway, it made me laugh.
alameda county fair, where dreams come true - thursday, july 01, 2010 - 09:46
ingredients for a perfect day:
act 1: jennifer and i went to see mutton bustin' aka "the toughest show on wool" (and the most entertaining and the most fun to say). basically, you put a kid in some protective gear, put him/her on top of a sheep and say to hold on for dear life while the sheep goes running off. it is hilarious and awesome and the kids fall off like little sacks of potatoes. jennifer was concerned for the kids' safety and i'm like-- what are you talking about? this is amazing! this might be my new favorite thing at the fair.
act 2: all-alaskan pig races. sourdough jack takes on sloppy joe. and also bob. little pigs running around a track, jumping over hurdles. all this, while a dude tells jokes like how a piggy was so dumb it got invited to a luau and it went (but they got him back, so it's ok)! OMG! it's cute and it's fun. jennifer picked up on the guy saying the piggies' career only lasted 6 months. i put out of my mind why this might be.
act 3: cheese on a stick. it's like a corndog, but there is cheese inside instead. i dipped it in ranch dressing. it's the biggest heart attack i've had in a while and i didn't even feel disgusting about eating it.
act 4: evolution, a tribute to journey. i want to say that i paid attention to the band, but seriously, with all the insane people watching, they could not hold my attention. this is not to say that they were not good because the lead singer does sound just like steve perry, but the people. wow. just... wow. i saw some girls straight out of jerseylicious. i saw ladies in their 50s screaming and getting shitfaced. i saw a drunk dude strutting around like this was his show he was performing at and winking at people and slamming into some lady so her beer went all over her funnel cake and not even noticing. i saw the girl in front of me pull a bullet shell out of her purse and say "look what i found in my purse" to a friend like it was not even that much of a novelty. oh man.
act 5: rides. jb, anita, jennifer and i saw some awesome, and very topical, rides like the thriller and planet pandora. we went on pole position, viper, the zillerator, flying bobs, and i don't know what else. i had to bow out of crazy train because i think i might have barfed.